“Christmas 1984”

George Orwell’s utopian epic may have missed its mark, but in 1984, AT&T released an inexpensive, magnetic tape answering machine that millions of homeowners enthusiastically snatched up by Christmas that year, often changing their personal messages daily. This may well have been society’s first plunge into the darker realms of our current social media alienation. 

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            “Ho, ho ho, sorry we’re not ho-ho-home! Don’t forget to swing by First Methodist for tonight’s manger pageant! Our little Jimmy’s a sheep this year – a speaking role! You don’t wanna miss out on those vanilla sugar cookies and hot cocoa after. See ya then! Merry Christmas! Please leave your message at the beep!”

<*BEEP*>

            “Hey, it’s the Johnsons! Looks like you’ve missed all five of us! Tree’s up, lights ’er lit.  Sure hope this doggone rain doesn’t wash out all the luminaria again this year! You know the drill … wait for the beep to leave a message, otherwise the tape won’t pick it up at the start … oh, and Merry Christmas!”

<*BEEP*>

            “You’ve reached the Patterson family. We can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re able. Merry Christmas. Leave your message after the beep.”

<*BEEP*>

            “Hello? Hello? Are you there? Anybody there? Ha, ha! Fooled ya! Nope, neither are we!  It’s Marty and Regina. We’re out scoopin’ up those last-minute deals over at the Fairland before settin’ down for that big turkey dinner tomorrow. Hey, if this is Linda how many extra chairs d’you need us to bring over? Leave a message at th…”

<*BEEP*>

            “Hello, Mr. Meyers? This is Sgt. Delaney at the third district over in Zion.  I’ve called your brothers and sister but just got everyone’s answering machines as well.  I’m sorry to just leave you with this message. I don’t know when you might last have spoken with your father, sir, but it appears that he drove his car off the Route 25 overpass sometime early this morning. He was thrown from the car onto the concrete pilings in the ravine. A resident nearby heard a heavy, older car – thought it might be an Olds like your dad drives -- gunning its motor, just prior to the accident. We’re still investigating, but it does appear that the incident may have been … well … intentional, sir.  Please contact our department immediately at five eight seven, twenty-three hundred. Our deepest condolences to you and your family for your lo …

<*BEEP*>

“Hey Linda? It’s Marty. Call me when you get this. Guess Christmas dinner’s off this year. Looks like that old bull-headed idiot just drove off that new bridge over in Zion.”

<*BEEP*>